In Between Worlds

It’s been two weeks since my grandmother passed away and the hurt is still here, the sudden flash of memory – and then the flood of hot tears in the eyes.

Butterflies have been appearing ever since. Dad told me about two strange occurrences, one on the day when she was cremated and another on the seventh day of her death. My aunt who had been her caregiver encountered a white butterfly who followed her everywhere she went. When she left the house, the butterfly flew away. Then, on the seventh day, a colorful butterfly fluttered in and lingered on my grandmother’s cupboard until night.

We would like to think that it was my grandmother who had visited us.

Me? A blue butterfly appeared on the day before the cremation. I saw it. My older girl saw it. The blue was dazzling, like shimmering velvet skies. Vivid eye-spots too. But my dad said that grandma had never been to where I live now.

Few hours left for Easter Sunday and soon, it would be April.

I miss ah-ma.

Still tossing out CVs up the wazoo. October is interesting, to say the least. I am not sure, still trying to wrap my head around the idea I might be heading towards the vicinity of South Asia. Waiting for details to be confirmed.

Still dealing with crap (real and projected and perceived) with in-laws. I am getting tired of the "You are the mother" refrain. It's indicative of the problems underlying Singapore's issue: educated women trying to juggle/struggle with/against traditional/outmoded ideas. It's hard having your own dreams/ambitions and walk a damned mine-field of obligations. That's why people are refusing to have children.

The path might be curvy and downright impenetrable, covered with bramble and thorns. And yet I still struggle, still hack my way through.

I suffered a slight burn out. Basically wanted to give up on everything. Tired by the drama in the SFF world (and the fact that being a non-US, non-white author having to expend energy trying to say something...) and work. I felt unappreciated, drained and unloved. The burnout set in.

So, now I am basically writing for the joy of writing. This wolf will discover the hunt once more. The joy of the hunt.

Giveaway Party: Where I am giving away signed copied of Winged and Oysters, Pearls and Magic.

Work hit me hard yesterday where I had to re-mark every test paper to make sure I was consistent. Cue frustration. Not to mention people were talking about STGCC and Worldcon... while I was stuck in marking hell.

Needless to say, I dropped like a rock yesterday after a light dinner and slept until morning.

AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET UP WITH MY SISTER-IN-WRITING! fantasyecho!!!

So, it's Sunday, post-election, and Mothers' Day.

So, the ruling party (PAP - People's Action Party) is still dominating the seats in parliament. The opposition got in about six seats. The blame game has begun with pro-opposition supporters accusing people for being all talk and no action. This is sad. We are inheriting a nation of young people who grew up privileged, arrogant and ignorant. Be afraid, be very afraid.

But it's not a landslide victory, dear state media. 60% is not a landslide victory. Get your stats and math right.

And the language being bandied around: repent, retarded... No, people, stop that. No, really, STOP THAT.

I have to say that I am disappointed and that I have lost faith in Singaporeans. People seem unable to think for themselves or are just happy to toe the party line.

~*~

I am down with the flu. Runny nose, coughing, the works. Cub made me a butterfly and a slew of poems for Mothers' Day.

For a few days, I have been struggling. With the usual self-doubt and self-disappointment. Am I again playing to a uncaring audience?

I suspect I will be full of words/thoughts/things for the next days.

Happy St Patrick's to those who celebrate!

Having the March break here (a week, mind). A backlog of marking, since I seem to get waylaid by something. Finally drafted the blog post for SF Signal though.

The girls are fine. Cub is enjoying her holiday. Dot is learning how to jump and knows a few words. They are both very precocious, well, sometimes I just want to pull my hair in frustration.

Working on some issues. Balance, equilibrium and learning how to let go. Some people can't change overnight.

Will write more once I get my thoughts settled.

And two more weeks to book release. EEEPPPP!

I am battling the bronchitis.

Am feeling bone tired.

Writing energy all gone.

Motivation, what motivation?

And hellbells, I haven't gotten my clothes yet. And shoes. I had visions of myself going steampunk, but that would cause some consternation, wouldn't it?

So. Tomorrow. Must go buy clothes and shoes.

I also dread this week, because it leads up to the red river that should NOT be named.

***

And steampunk, yes, steampunk. Folks, Two Trees Press is coming up with a steampunk anthology. Watch out for it. ;)

Still mulling over promotion stuff. Must take a trip to Sunshine Plaza. Poke a few people.

***

Still struggling with body issues. The exhaustion scares me.

Rainy day here. Good day to sleep in. Bronchitis slowly going away (but still coughing up lime-green phlegm - ugh, gross, I know...). D let me to sleep in.

Found myself going to an interview to a local junior college (high school for you guys in US). I will be teaching again for a term. Right now, we are going through paperwork and approvals. So, yes, I have a job.

An email conversation with a friend reminds me that I need to come up with a marketing plan for my book release. Wait, I got it written down somewhere... *rummages through her notes* Marketing is always the hardest...

Still working on My novella signal boost. Added social media aids.

***

Still feeling vulnerable. I want to curl up under the blankets and hide. But of course, I can't. I have to be wife, mother and daughter.

I have to be strong.

Sick and sore.

That's my current state. Flu and sore right side. Couldn't sleep last night, because of retching and sore back.

I am at work though.

***

Archaeological dig was fun. 13th and 14th century artefacts found. Whee!